"Why are you sounding soo philosophical ?", my friend asked me. She was referring to my incoherent,boorish comments on life on what was supposed to be a emotionally arousing occasion filled with mush and musings.
"come on bhondu it's v-day; and u aint really be a vagabond when it comes to....haha!!!"
"tell me does v refer to victory? for me? or for st.valentine??"
"whattt??"
"they keep telling me that love's in the air.Why don't i feel it?"
"are you mad?"
"my mom thinks so.then i must be na?? all i infer at this moment is an all-encompassing truth..which robs me of all my vitality..have u ever felt blessed and cursed at the same time??"
"damn u...u and your pet peeves.cant u say something comprehendible?or whatever!!what now?and you claim to be an eternal optimist.my foot."
"but really dearie, quixotic and chivalrous that i am, i'm still the devil's assistant!you know that."
"ya ya and i'm devil incarnate!nerdo!
"gosh..that's exactly what i meant!"
"go to hell!!bye."
hunh!!Back to my reverie..having successfully pissed off a benevolent soul, which I so often drive to sheer insanity. Thank God for small mercies!! As a friend put it,there are some moments in life when your mind feels like the inside of a saree store full of bengali mashimas during the annual discount season . There are some moments in life when you wish your leg was flexible enough to curve back and land a sunny deol-ish kick on your own behind bad enough to render your morning rituals ineffective for three months .Ok people i'm only trying to feel better.darn!
Desperate dejection can be pretty trying at times....I remember reading an article written by Albert Camus and wondering how to tread the narrow line between destiny and choice. But is there really any difference? Have I not been gullible all the while? May have been people.Or providence.Certainly not by choice. A quick flashback. Damn!!Fast forward.Better..well it was choice more often than not.And responsibility.And naivety. But crucially no repugnance, no repentance. A desire to exercise more than a semblance of control in some cases..nothing more.
Here, i have a funny recollection.Ten days prior to my 12th boards,the family astrologer read my palm and with a straight face exclaimed that I had a none too bright future;at most,In all probability I would complete my honors and my profession will be that of a cane-wielding maths teacher.Queer.That irked me.And my parents.But it sure was a driving force.On our next meeting,about an yr later,it occured to him that i had a gift and would be verry successful in life.Well I've not carved a niche as yet but still. :) .I hear that he's still treated with reverence and is earning his bread,butter and mutton, scaring the living daylight out of his bewildered clients by predicting weird movements of stars,but i know his imaginations infuse enterprise and determination into many a indolent individual.So let it be.Moral of story-don't leave it to the stars.haha
Enter destiny. Or fate.The canvas turns ghastly,diabolical even.You can only fuss..wriggle away to pure madness and still find no explanation.When you have no choice and things are thrust on you at random,life gets unbearable.but it still goes on..it appears as if you have ventured into a labyrinth or a whirlpool of endless agony and mental trauma..all u can think of is-just lay off coz u CAN'T HELP IT.And hope things get better.
Time for a small prelude.
Dil Chahta Hai-a pathbreaking film.Akash, Sameer n Sid.rocking!
I loved the unapologetic tone of the movie. The movie doesn't say what's right and what's wrong... it just tells things the way they are. Would you like to be the guy who's dad gives his fiancee's hand to another guy on the day of your marriage?Nope.Most respectable parents would react in a way similar to Sid's mom if they realize that their son is in love with a lonely divorcee who paints and spends time with her daughter when she is not into binge drinking. But hey,Sid had a choice to make in the movie.He did.Perhaps he made the right one.He didn't repent it....
It was my brother's wedding where i met her.Very intriguing,full of life;she was the very embodiment of beauty.The way she spoke,the way she sang..i mean everything about her was like,enchanting.There are some characters who are always conspicuous in a gathering.She certainly was one.Mesmerizing.I cant explain my feelings about her,cuz i myself didn't understand properly.I remember telling some close friends that i had a crush on her.Her very thought would bring a smile on my face cuz the memories which i could associate with her were all happy.which is rarely the case.d'uh, well, readers,it might appear that this' anything but cinematic influence. frankly,i don't give a damn.
Bro's voice is still ringing in my ears..'She's ill.The diagnosis is leukemia.It's quite late too.She'll be off to Mumbai soon.It's a 50-50 chance' he said.WHY?"it's all fate,brother"...this killed me,really!
probably i would never meet her again.But suddenly i feel an utmost desire to know how it would have been to be in love with her.Atleast to spend some time,know her better.CHOICE.would it have been worth it?Again,i don't know.i would never know probably.I'm being mad alright but by jove,she doesn't deserve this.
"look how beautiful Rupankar and Prachi are looking!" she kept repeating.
"I knowww!kotobar bolbe?how many more times?"
"are u in love?have u ever been in?"
"err...i think so.hehe"
"babbah...don't u still see?how comfortable and assured they look together;made for each other.totally in love.dekhchish? bhuto kothakar.u read shakespeare??"
"hyan olpo sholpo..keno go?"
"The sight of love , feedeth those in love...this comes naturally.ki bujhli?....."
I had smiled like an oaf.
All this might sound very dramatic..Again,i couldn't care less.Life for me is pretty much like that.period.The world is a stage.And i'm feeling all the more that i bring on the worst to people who are close.This IS agonizing.
also,the proverbial 'why her??' to which there's no answer.It's been long waiting for life to show a brighter side.Hope.And knowledge too.Of what i desire of this life.What will make me happy.complete.
but i know not how.great isn't it?
Inspite of myself,i'll urge everyone who comes across this post to post a plea to God-mercy!!that just might help.He might as well prove that He is.
Desperate dejection can be pretty trying at times....I remember reading an article written by Albert Camus and wondering how to tread the narrow line between destiny and choice. But is there really any difference? Have I not been gullible all the while? May have been people.Or providence.Certainly not by choice. A quick flashback. Damn!!Fast forward.Better..well it was choice more often than not.And responsibility.And naivety. But crucially no repugnance, no repentance. A desire to exercise more than a semblance of control in some cases..nothing more.
Here, i have a funny recollection.Ten days prior to my 12th boards,the family astrologer read my palm and with a straight face exclaimed that I had a none too bright future;at most,In all probability I would complete my honors and my profession will be that of a cane-wielding maths teacher.Queer.That irked me.And my parents.But it sure was a driving force.On our next meeting,about an yr later,it occured to him that i had a gift and would be verry successful in life.Well I've not carved a niche as yet but still. :) .I hear that he's still treated with reverence and is earning his bread,butter and mutton, scaring the living daylight out of his bewildered clients by predicting weird movements of stars,but i know his imaginations infuse enterprise and determination into many a indolent individual.So let it be.Moral of story-don't leave it to the stars.haha
Enter destiny. Or fate.The canvas turns ghastly,diabolical even.You can only fuss..wriggle away to pure madness and still find no explanation.When you have no choice and things are thrust on you at random,life gets unbearable.but it still goes on..it appears as if you have ventured into a labyrinth or a whirlpool of endless agony and mental trauma..all u can think of is-just lay off coz u CAN'T HELP IT.And hope things get better.
Time for a small prelude.
Dil Chahta Hai-a pathbreaking film.Akash, Sameer n Sid.rocking!
I loved the unapologetic tone of the movie. The movie doesn't say what's right and what's wrong... it just tells things the way they are. Would you like to be the guy who's dad gives his fiancee's hand to another guy on the day of your marriage?Nope.Most respectable parents would react in a way similar to Sid's mom if they realize that their son is in love with a lonely divorcee who paints and spends time with her daughter when she is not into binge drinking. But hey,Sid had a choice to make in the movie.He did.Perhaps he made the right one.He didn't repent it....
It was my brother's wedding where i met her.Very intriguing,full of life;she was the very embodiment of beauty.The way she spoke,the way she sang..i mean everything about her was like,enchanting.There are some characters who are always conspicuous in a gathering.She certainly was one.Mesmerizing.I cant explain my feelings about her,cuz i myself didn't understand properly.I remember telling some close friends that i had a crush on her.Her very thought would bring a smile on my face cuz the memories which i could associate with her were all happy.which is rarely the case.d'uh, well, readers,it might appear that this' anything but cinematic influence. frankly,i don't give a damn.
Bro's voice is still ringing in my ears..'She's ill.The diagnosis is leukemia.It's quite late too.She'll be off to Mumbai soon.It's a 50-50 chance' he said.WHY?"it's all fate,brother"...this killed me,really!
probably i would never meet her again.But suddenly i feel an utmost desire to know how it would have been to be in love with her.Atleast to spend some time,know her better.CHOICE.would it have been worth it?Again,i don't know.i would never know probably.I'm being mad alright but by jove,she doesn't deserve this.
"look how beautiful Rupankar and Prachi are looking!" she kept repeating.
"I knowww!kotobar bolbe?how many more times?"
"are u in love?have u ever been in?"
"err...i think so.hehe"
"babbah...don't u still see?how comfortable and assured they look together;made for each other.totally in love.dekhchish? bhuto kothakar.u read shakespeare??"
"hyan olpo sholpo..keno go?"
"The sight of love , feedeth those in love...this comes naturally.ki bujhli?....."
I had smiled like an oaf.
All this might sound very dramatic..Again,i couldn't care less.Life for me is pretty much like that.period.The world is a stage.And i'm feeling all the more that i bring on the worst to people who are close.This IS agonizing.
also,the proverbial 'why her??' to which there's no answer.It's been long waiting for life to show a brighter side.Hope.And knowledge too.Of what i desire of this life.What will make me happy.complete.
but i know not how.great isn't it?
Inspite of myself,i'll urge everyone who comes across this post to post a plea to God-mercy!!that just might help.He might as well prove that He is.
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5 comments:
hey.I'll pray for her.And you don't bring out the worst in people.[ I'm naturally crazy y'know]. Please snap out of this horrible mood.
do i need to thank you sweetheart?
and btw i said i bring on the worse;not bring out. :) get me now?
I'll surely pray for her & for u too! :)
thanks a lot for praying!!for ME! :)
wow!!benevolent soul..but really dont get this mad.plz
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