THE PAGES (lost)

34/20/1112

Do you still think of that day at Hill road when we went to buy sandals for you? You haggled shamelessly and how embarrassed I was. Of course that was before we started arguing over the concept of haggling in the middle of the road and then we knew what embarrassment actually meant…

Remember the time we were getting a photograph clicked near the river and I fell over? And you, laughed out loud like there was no tomorrow. I remember telling you that I won't ever forgive you for it but then, I did soon after. Couldn't ever stay upset with you for long, could I? I of course remember that laughter as well. And you always knew how much I enjoyed hearing it…

Or for that matter the Christmas night when we talked all night on the phone about inconsequential things like our favorite colors, and our favorite food and religion and childhood? The significance of that conversation dawned on me only once you left..


When the recollections start throbbing
Let's play house once more
And pretend.
Conceited, ungrateful and ugly

I feel very human again
Don't we all, in tiny doses
Just love to revel in some pain?
I am waiting..

For insanity to return and save me.
Till then,
Take my hand…just this once,
And help me pretend
To be sane


42/22/1112

You know, I have never been able to have a conversation like that with Nal. It is somehow always regarding other things…like the house, what to buy, the bills and what to make for dinner…essential I know…but somehow, not complete. Not that we haven't tried. Or I haven't tried…but somehow…the meaning of those endless conversations and the comfortable silences was lost when I lost you.

Of course some would argue that I never had you, but that is a different matter altogether. I thought of telling Nalini about you a lot many times. I don't know what stopped me…may be it was all too fresh and close to my heart…or may be I considered it too personal …like I would betray you and what we had ( or didn't) by discussing it with anyone but myself.





40/14/1113

And come to think of it, what could have I told her? About your fascination with watching fishes at the aquarium? Your fondness for street food? Or those few months in which I got to know you? The silent conversations by the sea? Or may be about how you like your coffee sugary sweet and your tea totally bitter?Or about your much vaunted culinary skills?

Did you ever tell Abhay about me? About us? Did you ever want to? Or felt the need to?

I know you wouldn't answer any of my questions now, like you never did, then…but still…I am asking…because I did then, and I have to, now.



35/18/1113

Nalini is leaving. We both knew it would happen eventually and now that it is happening, I feel…nothing. At least nothing strong… She is a wonderful person…and I think, in another context, in another role we could have been friends…or at least understood each other…





40/18/1113

And somehow…now it feels ok to talk to her about you…strange, do you think? But I still wonder, what would I tell her? How can I describe any of it, and more importantly, can I even begin to describe it? But all I know is, I want to talk to her. I want her to know…

I have always mulled over what would I refer to you as if I ever speak about you to anyone? A friend…Stranger…Acquaintance…

Colleague…Soul mate…A lover?

What would you say?





45/18/1113

I could have imagined a hundred reactions from Nal but the one that I got starled me. Caught me completely by surprise. She smiled. She actually smiled. There was a hint of something else as well that passed through her face for a moment, but I can't really put my finger on it? Anger? Jealousy? No, I don't think so. Just something very personal that even I don't have access to…and probably never will…

It was by far our best conversation from our time together. Sitting by the window, over a cup of coffee. I could actually talk to her… like she is a friend…

She asked me about your smile…and your eyes…and about what you liked.



She asked me about all the things we've done. Can you believe it; it was all summed up in the first letter I wrote to you. Was there anything else that we did together that can be quantified or put down on paper?





33/13/1114

Did you watch movies?

Or go dancing?

Or get wet in the rain?

Yes. No. No.

Never felt the need to…the time that we had, somehow wasn't bound by the "usual" things to do, was it?

I think this bit confuses her a little as I struggle to explain what we actually did when we knew each other…

And then she asks me "Did you ever… you know, kiss her?"

No.

Why?



Just looking at her wanting to understand this bit about my life makes me want to take her in my arms.

I smile at her as I struggle to put it into words for her sake. And for mine.

Like most of our story,which is better understood in feelings than in words…I search my mind and my vocab for the right expression…any expression that would come close…

What can I tell her? Why didn't we? Why didn't I?

Such a difficult question. But then I answer it as simply as she asked me.



"Why? Because we weren't lovers like that"…






rain rain
come again
take a train and
stop the pain

summarily,i really,truly,madly,badly need a corejob! :((